World Of Winfield

Author: admin

Complaint: Heel Gone

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rusty broken car without wheels

From last October ************** Dear Office I bought these shoes just two months ago, and today I was walking to work and the right heel flipped up and disappeared into a black hole. I then had to walk the remainder of the dangerous journey through the Bracknell industrial estate where I work, with just one heel. Not for the first time in my life, I had a wonky walk. It was at this point that I was glad I was a man and not a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I love women – Margaret Thatcher, Las Ketchup girls (any … Continued

Complaint: Lost Wickets & Short-Dated Chicken

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action packed cricket match on sunny day

From last year… ***** Hi Sainsbury’s I note that you haven’t responded to my first complaint, dated 31/10/2015 about the recent quality of your fruit and vegetables.  This is concerning. I did however send it to customer.service@sainsburys.co.uk so I am sending my second complaint here. I have told you time and again that when I make my food order, I need the chicken I order to last all week, as I have salad for lunch. Imagine my disappointment this morning, when I see that England have already lost 4 wickets, and my chicken has gone off.  This means I now … Continued

Complaint: Waitrose Minibus

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photo of red vehicle

Waitrose gave one of the most disappointing complaint responses ever last year…granted I wasn’t at my most imaginative.  I was just pissed off. Although my suit was imaginary. ***** Dear Sir I was walking through your Bracknell business park earlier this evening and the Waitrose minibus came driving past, really rather fast and straight through a large puddle, next to me. I was subsequently drenched through.  I suspect I may now have to send my suit to the dry cleaners. This is not the way I expect a supposedly upmarket brand to behave. RegardsJames Winfield ***** Thanks for contacting us … Continued

My Transexual Relative From Togo

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woman with body paint standing on grass field holding a ceramic bowl

Hi dear James, Please i seek your indulgence and tolerance to this indispensableproject, i’m Barrister Kenneth Odumodu, personal attorney to late MrD O James, who died intestate with his entire family here in Togo, ona car accident, which occurred along the Cara road. The reason of contacting you over this incident are due to you aresharing the same last name with my deceased client, therefore i’mcontacting you over the claim of his deposited funds, the sum of$16.500 000 00 United States Dollars, the bank management where thisfunds are deposited have demanded for the claimant being the heir. You can imagine … Continued

Complaint: Chick Chick Chicken

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white and red rooster

From last year… ****** Dear Sainsburys I’ve been busy this week, really busy.  See, I’mlooking for somewhere to live, I have to move in two weeks and I amspending a lot of time looking for somewhere to live.  It is a pain inthe backside. So you can understand that I need my life to go smoothly at the moment. Imaginemy disappointment when I started to make my chicken salad on Wednesdaymorning before work, and found the chicken looking rather dry and atouch discoloured – and realised that the best before date was 27thJuly. I have complained about this on a … Continued

Supermarket Slut

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I got a bit pissed off with Sainsbury’s regularly sending me short-dated chicken which is useless when you want to make salads Monday to Friday, so at the beginning of the year, I decided that I would whore myself out and try other supermarkets. I started with those I feared most – and of course, skipped those that I fear such as Iceland.  They had to do online delivery too. Asda was the first company that I tried online shopping with around 8 years ago.  They were that bad that I didn’t use online shopping for about 5 years.  At … Continued

James Went To Bucharest

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Early last year, myself and my most important advisor (family excepted) decided that we would have a party weekend away somewhere. Ideally I wanted to go to a country I’d never visited, and again ideally somewhere inexpensive. We batted a few ideas around but given that we intended it on being a clubbing weekend, and most of my favourite DJs nowadays are from Romania, it made sense to visit the new centre of minimal techno – like visiting Berlin would have in 2004 when the last wave of minimal was really starting to make waves. For a variety of reasons … Continued

James Went To Theatre

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It’s about 16 years since I went to the theatre.  You are far more likely to see me dancing away in a nightclub, having a few beers whilst watching the football or in a nice country pub having a roast dinner. I’m not exactly your average uncultured Neanderthal, but the theatre isn’t something that I generally consider as an evening’s entertainment. And then I heard the shocking news that Reading Council were considering closing down South Street Arts Centre.  How dare they?  What a disgrace. Oh wait a minute – I’ve lived in Reading for 17 years and haven’t even … Continued

Complaint: M&S Southern Fried Chicken

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deep fried chicken

Dear M&S I normally love your food, however yesterday I was having a fat day so thought I would treat myself to some southern fried chicken – namely your box of drumsticks and thighs. Now I love a chicken thigh but hate drumsticks – they are like comparing MDMA to Meow Meow. One classy and beautiful – the other rough as a badger’s bum but better than nothing. So I was hoping it would be roughly half and half but out of a box of 7 chicken pieces – 5 of them were drumsticks! 5 drumsticks! Just 2 thighs. Very … Continued

James Went To Parliament

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I’ve long wanted to go to parliament.  I didn’t realise that they did tours.  I knew that you could go watch proceedings from the public gallery, though I was under the assumption that you needed an invite from your MP. Luckily my sister took a “risk” and booked a tour for my Christmas present.  Quite how the heck that qualifies as a risky present I do not know – it’s a dream present. It took a while to find a Saturday when we were both free but the preceding Saturday was it.  The big day.  I was rather excited beforehand. … Continued